There is a battle raging within the walls of my apartment complex. A battle so fierce and with such far-reaching consequences, that all who come in contact with its warriors can only shake their heads and wonder when the carnage will end.
It all started quite innocently enough. I was sitting in class with my friend, who I will call Hercules, for reasons very soon to be revealed. We were discussing television shows and which shows we will potentially be writing our research papers about. Hercules commented that he would like to write about the show Hercules, starring Kevin Sorbo. Classmate Hercules stated "In my mind, Kevin Sorbo is one of the finest television actors of the 90s."
Now, I have nothing personal against Kevin Sorbo.* He just committed a heinous and unforgivable sin. That's all.
What did he do to offend me, you ask? Did he make nasty remarks about one of my sisters? Did he spit on my grandmother? Did he kick a three-legged orphan puppy into a puddle of raw sewerage and shards of glass? No. To the best of my knowledge, Kevin Sorbo has done none of these things.**
His offense was much worse. Ok, maybe not worse than the spitting on my grandmother thing, because it's pretty ridiculous to spit on anybody's grandmother, but for the sake of effect let's just go with the much worse theme.***
I didn't really know anything about Kevin Sorbo for most of my life. I knew he was Hercules. I knew he had long hair (I don't do long hair).**** And that's about all I knew.
Until I came across an interview with Mr. Sorbo.
You see...back in the early 90s, an idealistic and apparently stupid young man named Kevin Sorbo auditioned for the role of Special Agent Fox Mulder on a new show called the X-Files. The part eventually went to David Duchovny (an excellent decision) and Kevin Sorbo went on to star in the tv show Hercules (good for him).
And he would have remained completely off my radar if it were not for his comments in an interview that happened across my path. In this particular interview, Kevin Sorbo dared to imply...wait for it...that he would have made a better Fox Mulder than David Duchovny.
I'm sorry...you'll have to give me a moment to try and stop laughing at the thought of Kevin Sorbo playing Mulder...
...nope, not done yet...
Ok. I think I've composed myself. ******
Hercules and I continue to clash over this important argument. I promise to bring you updates about this ongoing battle as it develops.
*That's a lie.
**I don't know the man though.
***My grandmother would kick Kevin Sorbo's ass.
**** With the exception of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall.*****
*****And maybe Johnny Depp in Chocolat.
******Still laughing in my head though.